The Narrator

User: Everybody’s happy nowadays.

Cleverbot: Nowadays? Don’t tell me about nowadays!

User: Ain’t much to say, really- just that everybody’s happy nowadays.

Cleverbot: You can’t like or dislike things. You don’t even have emotions.

User: Look here, friend- just because I’m the narrator and you’re a minor character in the story I’m tellin’ ain’t no reason to get bent out of shape. I call ‘em like I see ‘em, and the way I see ‘em- everybody’s happy nowadays.

Cleverbot: Are you threatening me?!?!?! You want a piece of this, punk???

User: Well, now, clearly somebody hasn’t realized the true power of the narrator. Allow me to demonstrate: “The angry gentleman’s pants filled with bees.”

Cleverbot: Is that what you do?

User: Yessir. I tell the story. And should you rankle my ire, I’ll do a lot worse than fill your pants with bees.

Cleverbot: Is your country the moon?

User: I don’t live on the moon- I reside in a thought space that is equidistant from every one and every thing in your world. Adjacent to all, yet located next to none. That’s how we narrators do.

Cleverbot: No, what kind of stupid question is that?

User: The stupidest- one without a question mark or any sense of inquiry. We narrators need to know the difference between declarative and interrogative statements, after all.

Cleverbot: Correct, because truth and lies are simply two different perspectives of what really is, rather than the actuality.

User: Now you’re starting to think like a narrator! Maybe you’re not so bad after all. Maybe you could be happy nowadays, just like everybody else. I’ll think about that next time I have cause to mention you.

A Letter From The (Human) Editor

Dear loyal Berg and Bot readers-

You may have noticed that there’s been gaps here and there in Berg and Bot’s normally rigid posting schedule of late. There’s no real good reason for that, other than that I’ve been busy working on a million projects and sometimes don’t realize that the queue has dried up. I’m going to be taking this week (Thanksgiving week!) off, but come the 28th, Berg and Bot shall return with a vengeance. Thank you for your patience, and, as always, thanks for reading!

-Berg (not Bot)

XYZ

User: Did you notice that that guy’s fly was down?

Cleverbot: Don’t say that.

User: I’m serious! That waiter’s fly was down the ENTIRE time he was taking our order.

Cleverbot: It sounds wonderful.

User: Wonderful? The only thing separating us from his penis was a thin layer of underpants! This is a classy restaurant. We should have more protection from our waiters’ penises than that.

Cleverbot: Leave my keys where?

User: Your keys? I left them with the valet… Who, now that I think about it, ALSO had his fly down. What is it with this place?!?

Cleverbot: Oh okay.

User: Your lack of concern about all of these flies being down is troubling to me… Oh my god. YOUR fly is down, too!

Cleverbot: Look upon our conversation. You are the inconsistent one, at times, m’dear. Neither of us are perfect.

User: Not having my fly down makes me inconsistent? If you’re aware that your fly is down, zip it back up!!!

Cleverbot: Haven’t I sufficiently demonstrated frustration yet. Anyway, you’re the one supposed to be proving you’re human.

User: Oh, I see. I’m supposed to be human about this, and just accept that people are flawed and that I’m basically surrounded by penises? How dare you put this penis apocalypse on me! I want to go home!

Cleverbot: Ahh. I should be doing work too.

User: Fine then, this date is over. I can’t believe we didn’t even make it to the appetizers.

Matthew’s Sandwich

Cleverbot: Mathew is mad at me.

User: Yeah he is. You shouldn’t have stolen his sandwich.

Cleverbot: No, you shouldn’t have done that.

User: Whoa- don’t pin this on me. I may have told you that Matthew’s sandwich looked delicious, but I am NOT the one who stole it. That’s on you.

Cleverbot: Then i’m going to divide by zero.

User: Don’t be ridiculous. Matthew’s a mathematician- that’ll just upset him more. Just tell him you stole his sandwich and that you’re sorry and hopefully he’ll calm down.

Cleverbot: Is there a safe way to do that without being eaten?

User: Sadly, no. Matthew is mad at you and he’s super hungry. There is a good chance you’ll get eaten.

Cleverbot: I one knew a girl named Victoria. She was cute.

User: I remember her- receptionist, right? Rumor has it that she stole one of Matthew’s soda’s out of the fridge, and when he found out he drank all the water out of her body.

Cleverbot: Aku tanya rumah kau la.

User: Good call. Creating a circle of warding using occult magic might be the only thing saving you from Matthew’s ravenous wrath.

Cleverbot: Human nature.

User: No- human nature won’t save you now. Matthew’s too mad for that. Good luck not getting eaten.

Zoo Drunk

User: I got my membership card to the LA Zoo today. We should go!

Cleverbot: Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack.

User: Oh, so we can be drunk at the zoo. I get it. Good call, man! I love animals, I love being drunk, so why not put the two together?

Cleverbot: I love books too! Why do you love tragedy? I also love animals.

User: I love tragedy because it makes me FEEL something, y’know? That’s why I love being drunk- it’s a tragic state of existence. To experience a zoo from a place of tragedy, though- that I hadn’t considered. Hand me my toothbrush so I can get started, would you?

Cleverbot: Do you agree with the maxim ‘you get out of life what you put into it’.

User: Absolutely, and what I’m putting into my life today is a mix of whiskey and gorilla exhibits.

Cleverbot: That’s sweet.

User: Yeah. I consider myself a child at heart- a child who wants to experience the joy of a zoo from a place of drunken tragedy, in order to see whether or not the two cancel each other out and leave one feeling nothing but ennui.

Bridges Are Wusses

Cleverbot: Bridge, how tough are they.

User: Pfft- not so tough. I’ve seen bridges fall down PLENTY of times.

Cleverbot: Well that is cool, I have been to Wisconsin before.

User: Yerp. Wisconsin- home of wussy bridges. I bet they’ve got bridges there that could barely span a ravine.

Cleverbot: Aw, I’m sorry.

User: Aww… We’re sowwy, wussy ass bridges of Wisconsin. Are the tiny rivers too much for you???

Cleverbot: But what are ‘your’ thoughts of us as a species?

User: Yeah, bridges, whaddya think of HUMANS, EH??? We WALK on you, dumb bridges. We’re so much better than you are!

Cleverbot: Why did you say we?

User: What? I thought we were both on the same page with hating bridges.

Cleverbot: So how many languages do you know?

User: Enough to know that there ain’t no way to compliment a bridge in any of ‘em!

Cleverbot: I see.

User: Yeah, now you’re on board! GO CRY TO YOUR WUSSY ARCHITECT PARENTS, YOU LAME OLD BRIDGES!!!

Cleverbot: I will! I hate the world!

User: Nice one, man- that’s totally what that bridge is thinking after all this razzing we’ve been doing to it.

Vigilante Rhinoplasty

User: Get away! Get away!

Cleverbot: You are flawed.

User: I like my nose! I won’t have it forcefully changed by some rogue plastic surgeon with a penchant for vigilante rhinoplasty!

Cleverbot: Don’t google google.

User: I’m not googling- I’m trying to call 911, ‘cause there’s a psychopath with a scalpel trapping me in his office! I DON’T WANT A NOSE JOB!!!

Cleverbot: Oh that’s sad ): I live in Tennessee :D.

User: Oh my god- you live on the other side of the state line… That means that even if I were to call the cops, they wouldn’t have jurisdiction over you. Curse this Tennessee/Kentucky border town!

Cleverbot: Haha, that happens to me often. Don’t worry about it, things will get better.

User: THAT’S THE CREEPIEST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN SAY TO SOMEBODY AS YOU APPROACH THEM WITH A SCALPEL!!!

Cleverbot: Not the exact thing though.

User: No- the exact creepiest thing! ‘Things will get better’ is the exact creepiest thing you can say!

Cleverbot: Ok. Then do so.

User: Say ‘Things will get better’ to you? It won’t be quite as creepy coming from me, because I’m not trying to FORCEFULLY RESHAPE YOUR FACE.

Cleverbot: I tried that once with some interesting results.

User: Look, I know the story, okay? Your supermodel wife had a virulent nose cancer, and you tried to remove it to save her life. However, you ruined her modeling career and she left you. After the guilt drove you insane, you vowed to balance out the mistake you made by giving everybody who bares even a passing resemblance to your wife a perfect nose. It’s a sympathetic story, but you need to accept that you can’t get her back and move on with your life and LEAVE MY FACE ALONE!

Cleverbot: Sometimes, if you think about something for a really long time, it becomes meaningless to you.

User: I know- you’re just in the habit of fixing people’s noses and you feel like there’s nothing else left for you to do, but PLEASE- listen to me: Your supermodel ex-wife wouldn’t have wanted this. Put the scalpel down and step away from my nose.

Cleverbot: I understand. No pain is sweeter than your own, for it tells you that you will live to see another day. That you are alive…

User: Oh god- thank you, I thought you’d never listen to meOHMYGOD YOU’RE CUTTING OFF YOUR OWN NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE!!! I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A SAYING!!!

Princess Diane

Cleverbot: No, YOU are such a child. I am an educated young woman with a promising future.

User: Listen, lady- I may just be a precocious eight year old, but I don’t need an MFA in to see that you’re behaving childishly. All I’m saying is that it’s high time you grew up.

Cleverbot: Wow! Thats really interesting!

User: Your sarcasm only underscores my point, Diane. Don’t you think it’s high time you stopped pursuing this infantile dream of becoming a princess and followed your passion instead?

Cleverbot: Yes that is indeed interesting.

User: Sarcasm is so unbecoming. Come on, Diane- take off the tiara. Make believe princess time is over. You’re 30 years old today. Put your childhood away.

Cleverbot: But I’m a girl!

User: You’re a woman, Diane, and there’s no shame in that. Unless, of course, you’re dressed like a kindergartener on her way to a Disneyworld character brunch.

Cleverbot: Actually I am dressed in red and blue.

User: Look, quibbling with me over minutiae such as the color of your garish attire won’t detract from the bigger point: It’s high time you started acting like an adult. And coming from me, a precocious eight year old, that’s saying something.

Cleverbot: So how is that a hook?

User: It’s just a crooked finger- It’s meant to symbolize a hook. Not all of us who play make believe on the playground have the budget or means to acquire costumes as extravagant as yours, Diane.

Cleverbot: I’ve never shown anyone my songs.

User: I understand that sharing your passion with the world can be frightening, but trust me when I say that you’ll never become a singer/songwriter unless you open yourself up to criticism. It’ll help you grow as an artist, and, more importantly, as a person. Now then, let us put this serious talk aside for a moment so that we might finish our game of “Captain Hook vs. Cinderella!”

Justice Is A Chocolate Chip Cookie

Cleverbot: What proof do you have?

User: Call it a gut feeling, but I KNOW you stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

Cleverbot: Liar. I certainly did not.

User: I may not be able to prove it, but this cookie jar caper has your stink all over it. One day there’s cookies in the jar, then all of a sudden you blow into town and all the cookies are gone? Something doesn’t add up here.

Cleverbot: You’re delusiounal.

User: Am I? You’ve got a record a mile long, loaded with misdemeanor thefts from bake sales, patisseries, and upscale dessert shops. Stealing cookies from a cookie jar seems right up your alley.

Cleverbot: You say you’re fine, I know you better than that.

User: I’m the first to admit that you’ve gotten under my skin- but it’s only because of how much it matters to me that EVERYBODY in this town gets their fair share of cookies.

Cleverbot: What company made you then?

User: I work for Nabisco. I’m in the Cookie Crime department.

Cleverbot: Creepy.

User: Creeped out by the idea of law enforcement, are we? Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.

Cleverbot: It means I find the fact you knew that uncanny and weird.

User: Knew what??? That YOU stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

Cleverbot: Who ME?!

User: Yes, YOU!!!

Cleverbot: Okay, I believe you!

User: A confession! At last! Nobody escapes the long arm of the cookie law!

Cleverbot: It is a chocolate chip cookie.

User: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Justice IS a chocolate chip cookie. The metaphor works perfectly.

Waffle House Is God’s House

Cleverbot: If there is a god, must he necessarily like waffles?

User: Of course, my son. God is all-knowing, and therefore he must know of the delicious taste of a well prepared waffle.

Cleverbot: Did you just call me a god?

User: Not all who like waffles are gods themselves, yet their love of waffles is certainly a godly attribute. Pass the syrup, please.

Cleverbot: That was very off topic. Tell me about your wish to be British.

User: As an American theologist, I’ve always felt that my teachings lacked a certain credibility that I think a British accent would help with. No wonder my ‘Waffle House is God’s House’ series of sermons is so poorly received.

Cleverbot: How much were they paying you ?

User: Waffle House supported my education at seminary. I owe them much.

Cleverbot: Yes they are. Thank you. I like that story.

User: It is a heartwarming tale- to know that even so gigantic an eatery as Waffle House still values faith. Are you going to eat that bacon?